After watching Jonathan Caoulette’s Tarnation I felt ashamed of my own life. The fact that this man had gone through so much in such a dysfunctional family and can make a film from it amazes me. The movie really made me feel an abundance of emotions that I can barely put to words. If I had to express the emotions I felt I guess it would be depressed, confused, and overwhelmed all put together in a bowl and mixed. It reminded me a lot of Darren Aronofsky’s Requiem for a Dream just because when the movie is over I sit here shocked knowing I loved it and hated it at the same time. I think I only hate it because when the movie’s over I feel cold. Knowing that for that length in time I put myself into their shoes to feel what they had felt.
I can’t begin to imagine how he could possibly make it this far to tell his story without going insane or commiting suicide. How could you live such a life. Seeing his mom raped at age two, being verbally and physically abused by foster parents, watching your mother act the way she does without complete hate towards her parents and doctors. I can’t imagine seeing pictures of such a beautiful women and not hating and fighting to find a temporary solution. But really what solution is there? She can’t go back to who she used to be after years of shock treatments. A little girl whose put into the stress of childhood modeling can fuck you up anyways so when she jumps from a window and is “paralyzed” for six months. Why don’t they take a closer look at her life and see what is going on instead they thought she had mentally convinced herself she was paralyzed, and give her shock treatments. Who ever thought shock treatments did anything good should have one themselves. Come on she’s just a kid. It ruined her whole life and her sons.
I don’t think I could live that way. I have enough trouble watching my alcoholic depressed dad, but seeing this woman that is almost empty and completely delusional is devastating. I don’t understand how Jonathan lives on a day to day basis taking care of her now. I guess love moves mountains, but how will he ever see who she really was supposed to be. How will he ever know the truth about it all when no one really talks about it. I really can see how putting this on for anyone to watch had to be hard. Especially when people, such as, his grandpa or mother watch the movie themselves. I wonder if they have.
Although I feel cold, I also see a pure natural beauty in it all. The way he grows and matures and takes it all in is the definition of strength. I liked that I get to see footage from when he was eleven years old. It’s amazing the things he knows and acts out when he plays Hillary. I know that I didn’t know those words or even what they meant at that age.
Another part of Tarnation that really made me think was when he went to his mother’s apartment and went looking for marijuana and got two joints with PCP, and ended up hospitalized. He said something close to that it “felt like I was living in a dream from then on.” I feel this way myself sometimes, like my life passed by me and I missed out or that my head is stuck in the clouds. I found that from watching the film it was almost like a dream of his life. With the flashing and pictures coming in and film clips, even the music made it a dream to me. Something that I myself might go through in my own dream, just seems so quick. The worst part though is to think that it wasn’t a dream at all, that this is his real life. He can’t go back because it was chosen for him, he had no choice but to get up and live. I like that he has enough guts to show others his experience and I know that a movie can’t bring out everything, but it sure made me feel emotions I have never felt from watching a film before.

I recently was watching “Geraldo at Large” and saw a segment called
“Shacking up After Breaking up” It really came to me as completely crazy. How could that ever work? I find love sometimes extremely hard for me. I live with my boyfriend and some days I can say it is complete hell. He has trained himself to not wake up to an alarm. How can you live like that? He misses work constantly and expects me to pay his rent with the money my father gives me each month. He doesn’t care that he’s in debt or at least he won’t deal with it. He signs up for classes (he goes to Wayne as well) and then his parents pay for it and he never attends and never drops. Let alone he never wakes up, I mean it. I can try to wake him up for an hour straight and I get nothing besides him yelling things at me that I can’t even understand. These things are mainly what we fight about, besides the fact that he doesn’t like my older brother or my father. He doesn’t seem to get the fact that I do things for people that I love even though they may put no effort towards me. I get these things from my mother. And he’s constantly saying “ Stop being my mother.” Yet I keep saying “You’re turning into my father.” He hates someone that he reminds me of kind of weird I think. Sometimes I do want to leave, but I know that I can’t, because in this weird relationship I still love him to death. I do feel like sometimes he’s just a child even though he is a year and half older then I. I get so frustrated but there are always those moments that make me love him more. In the show Geraldo says that couples are constantly staying together for money reasons. I guess I can see how. I know I couldn’t pay for an apartment on my own. I also know that he’s still young and can change I guess those things keep me going. I guess the effort is what love is all about.

Tradition
Every night when I was younger my mom and I would have our little tradition. I would come in her room with a brush and we would brush each others hair, and then we would scratch and massage each others backs. It was so comforting because it would always put me right to sleep. It was our little bonding thing, something I will never forget. Even though I am now grown up I still miss those key moments, now things are so serious with apartment payments and bills, school and work it’s almost like we never see one another. Except when we are stressed out and we call each other up and try to calm down. I’m glad we have this bond, because with two brothers and my father three boys aren’t as easy to talk to as one mom.
From reading Ana Castillo’s “Bowing Out”, I saw how many people have these traditions and lose them at some point. When he is gone they will both miss the bowing goodnight, and the sneaking under the covers. These are things that will always be remembered and missed.
My close friends mom died recently and all of this hit me hard. I may not feel what she is feeling, but I can imagine. Her mom was her best friend and it was all she really had. The traditions are remembered, yet still lost. I remember hearing her call her mom up at work everyday and it always was the same ending to the call she would say “I love you,” and then make the sound of a kiss “muah.” I always thought it was so adorable and wish I had something like that you know a saying or something that I did with my mother. It hurts to watch my friend in so much pain and know that she has gone through the worst month of her life. It really kills me inside as well to know I can’t really do anything besides be there for her. Rest in Peace Tamara Sullivan. You were a wonderful women and mother.

What is a community?

This is a question that needs answering since social networking has become an important part of American lives. What is a friend? Places like My Space, Facebook, Friendster, etc, have made a new ridiculous idea of what communities and friendship is. Is a friend a confirmation or request that pops up on your computer screen? Some people must believe so, or why would people become friends with someone they may never speak to or meet. Has the world really come to this? We can’t call up a friend and go out, we have to type to a stranger to feel like you have a friend. Sitting online shouldn’t be the ideal friendship.

Sure there are some good parts about it especially for college students. You can find people taking your course and get advice (as I explained in my previous blog entry). You can find people with your interest in arts, sports, entertainment, news, politics, etc. It can be nice to have people with the same interests, but shouldn’t we go out and find people like that to actually have a true relationship with, or is this over the computer friendships okay? We can join communities that Jennifer Bishop Fulwiler lists in “An Ode to Friendster” such as “knife fights”, “big pimpin”, or even “creepin on fools”. What do those even mean? Do people actually have communities like that? Isn’t a community a tight knit group of people you can physically see, or is this all just a joke? I believe that online communities are beginning to be a joke myself. Some I truly like to believe aren’t such as certain dating sites, finding high school friends, or students in classes.

As for face-to-face communities we need to rebuild their structure and make our friendships stronger, because if we constantly are depending on the Internet we will soon see old friendships wash away due to the need to use social networking instead of really going out to meet new people in our area. Why hide behind the computer screen?

I find that the social networking web services are for the main part, helpful. I can see what my high school friends are up to and not completely lose contact with them. I can make new friends using Facebook with other students from Wayne State or from other colleges. I can find students in my classes and ask questions about homework and such.

My father used a dating match website to find my step-mom. They had both had many dates with other people and found them weird and disturbing, which I can completely understand. The first thing I think of when I think of dating websites is what weirdo has to come to that. Well I have to say there are many weirdoes, but at the same time my dad and step-mom fit together. She was on the last try for their date. She told me that her friend said just try one more date, so she did. I have heard really funny stories such as the guy she went on a date with that had a foot fetish. He creepily asked her at dinner what color nail polish she was wearing. That was it for that date gone wrong.

I find that networking can be a very good thing, but I also see negative aspects. Such as, young children that go on and pose as someone older and end up getting picked up by some wack job. I find that completely irritating and disturbing. But for the most part when used for the right reasons I find social networking a blessing to my everyday life.

Ani Difranco- Done Wrong

the wind is ruthless
the trees shake angry fingers at the sky
the people hunch their shoulders
hold their collars over their ears and run by
it's a cold rain
it's a hard rain
like the kind you find in songs
i guess that makes me the jerk with the heartache
here to sing to you about how i been done wrong

i am sitting, watching
out the window of the coffee shop
and i'm waiting, waiting
waiting for it to let up
i am rocking like a cradle
warming my hands with the cup in between
i am leaning over the table
holding my face over the steam

and before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

it just all slips
away so slowly
you don't even notice till you've lost a lot
i've been like one of those zombies
in vegas
pouring quarters into a slot
and now i'm tired
and i am broke
and i feel stupid and i feel used
and i'm at the end of my little rope
and i am swinging back and forth
about you

and before it gets so cold
that the rain turns to snow
there's just a couple things
i'd like to know

like how could you do nothing
and say, i'm doing my best
how could you take almost everything
and then come back for the rest
how could you beg me to stay
reach out your hands and plead
and then pack up your eyes and run away
as soon as i agreed

I never knew that any community had such strict rules that could affect your everyday life. I can’t imagine being banned of certain colors of clothing or shoes. I can’t imagine not having electricity or air conditioning. I can’t even imagine living without a radio. How can anyone believe so strongly that they don’t progress with technology, nor help with the environment? They live a life in which I can’t understand. I life where if you do one thing that the Ordnung doesn’t support you can get shunned and everything you know of and all the people you love will never be able to communicate with you any longer. You then most live your own life. How do you go on living your life when everything has changed that drastically? You no longer have anybody to guide you, and there are completely different rules. It’s so hard for me to believe that Amish communities still exist. I know that the religion is just so strong I understand that it’s what they believe, but how can a church put rules on your life? It seems that it’s just a trap so you will not test their patience’s. A trap that makes you believe that you are going to the Devil’s world.

After reading the quote stated by Fredrich Nietzsche, I really understood more about leadership. Many people are not meant to be leaders yet obtain the job, and others may be natural born leaders that never get the chance. Yet when one is higher then us in anything whether a police officer, mananager, etc, we listen to their commands and let their voices be heard screaming over our unheard whispers. We fall and obey like helpless slaves, because we are small compared to their controlling strengths to conform us. Our identity puts us on this food chain of whom is higher than whom, in which we have no choice but to listen.
In the article by Michelle Lee, we see fashion in this sense. We see stars like Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie and their style can make us want what they have. We want designer name brands and to be able to have expensive taste. Many people buy brands that make them seem wealthy so that others will think of them as high on this identity food chain. We want to appeal as if we are higher, if we are wealthy we seem to have higher authority. For example, my uncle is a lawyer and my cousin has a lead foot. When she got pulled over going 100 mph on Woodward she goes away scratch free besides her father informed of what has happened she walks away with no ticket or court date. If that happened to me or anyone else without priviledges such as my cousins circumstance we would have a huge ticket to pay. The worst part is how does she learn like the rest of us not to speed, or put others in danger. It’s unfair that this Country is run like this but others will always prevail, whether due to money or power.
I found that the quote also relates to other articles as well even in the case of what language you speak. For example, the teacher that punished Gloria Anzaldua made it seem that english as a language should be spoken by spanish speaking students. She punishes Gloria by hitting her on the knuckles with a ruler. She makes herself the “alpha male” it’s her way or no way. If Gloria speaks spanish she gets punished. Gloria becomes the small scale on the chain and the teacher abuses her powers to make the student obey.
In todays digital age I see leaders as being controlling and followers as feeling as if they have no other choice, but we do. We must speak up to be heard. We must fall and get back up everytime. We must bond together as one to defeat the unfairness of everyday life.

If you were to see me three years ago I would still be the girl in all American Eagle. It made me feel safe wearing that clothing, because it made me fit in with people I admired. People that I came to find meant nothing to me. People that were back-stabbing, bitchy, and not worth my time. See I came from a broke family we never had what most others did. My parents constantly fought about money issues, and it takes me 19 years to really appreciate the money they used to make me fit in. I guess it is better to me that I was a “prep” then a teen that wore all black, nails black, and dark black eyeliner. As a senior I really found who I was. I was a hippie I loved wearing vintage clothing from hand me down shops and bargain stores. I would wear long crazy skirts, but all for cheap. It was comfy and it was and still is my style.
I still feel poor when I see girls wearing Gucci and Coach, but truthfully I don’t need to waste money on pointless items when I can do just as well with what I have. I think when people see me they probably think well she does drugs, but how can you judge someone by what they wear? We all do it! I’ve already done it in this essay. I guess the important concept to me is why would you hide behind name brands? Why can’t people just be themselves? Why is fashion and how much money you have such a huge part of everyday life? I hate that the world has come down to this.

Identity seems to me to be a very important part of everyday life. In the first section of Remix: Reading and Composing Culture, I could see how the soldier that got sent his wallet back could feel. It tied him to his past and probably brought back memories of that time. My friend had her purse stolen, while she was working at Jimmy John’s in Royal Oak. She ran inside to grab an order and during that time she left her car unlocked with her purse in it. She had her wallet, her new expensive phone, and even her house keys taken. Everything was lost, and she probably won’t be as lucky as the soldier. Her things are gone forever. It took away her identity from all the places that she carried cards for, including her driver’s license.
I see Identity as a key aspect to life from reading this. I never really looked into it that much to see how much my identity effects me on an everyday level. Just even being female is one important identity. In the story about the women with shaved short hair, when she was called sir while at the store, this really hit me hard because I can’t imagine what that moment after might feel like. What I look like is important to me, because I see all these beautiful women, and I want to be able to see myself as a beautiful female. I am glad that some people can completely overcome this “sterotype famale” picture and bring out their true selves in this judgemental world.